In Love With Love (У каханні з любоўю)
by T'Nietzsche
Summary: In which Natalia thinks about her past, her love for Ivan, and for a few blips on the radar, Alfred F. Jones. One-sided BelaRus, and hints of RusAme.


**If the characters are OOC, as Lana Del Rey would sing in her song "Off to the Races": Sorry 'bout it.**

**In my mind, Ivan's nickname for Natalia is "Natasha." And the ending references Belarus's time with America after the Soviet Union.**

**I don't own Hetalia. I'm simply driving around in Belarus's mind and letting Russia and America hitchhike. ;)**

* * *

_November 9, 1989  
__East Berlin, German Democratic Republic (East Germany)_

_._

Natalia stood beside her brother, watching as for the first time in almost thirty years, East Germans could cross to the west side. Even she knew that communism was declining, and soon, Germany would reunite as one country.

_Ludwig would get the second half of his country back. _Her eyes narrowed at the thought. _And Gilbert will be no more. _

In a way, she expected this outcome. Despite the efficiency and tight control socialist governments exercised, she knew it wouldn't be permanent. People would rather be free. So would she, but she was a girl in love so it didn't matter.

At least not completely.

All her life, she had been with Ivan, and had always supported his and Russia's ambitions, despite her own political goals. She had stayed with Ivan when the winters got so cold that even she would shiver, and she talked with him unlike the others who seemed so afraid, like Toris, Eduard, and Raivis. Fools. They did not see the side of him that was sweet, shy, and innocent. That was why she did everything she could to protect him, otherwise people would corrupt his mind, which fluttered with butterflies of thoughts and ideas, love and life, goals and strategies.

But now she found herself wanting to see the world beyond the skies of the Soviet states. She's heard of the great democracies of the West, and the things they've accomplished, the freedoms they've allowed. She has always been shackled to rules, whether political or for survival, has always conformed to see what _should_ be seen from the view of others, not what _could_ be seen. She has lived through lies, has been used for power, and has seen good, fair people suffer. And despite what the other nations thought of her, she didn't like seeing people suffer. It was easier if she could take on their burdens because she lived longer and could deal with them slowly and spread them like butter over centuries, never having to take on too much at once. But these people, hers and the others', only had so long, and while a good moment for her could last her for years, a good moment for them only lasted so long before they were gone. Unfortunately, a negative about people was that they made others suffer by striving for happiness. Humans were a series of misfortunes and hardships, but in the end, her existence was tied to them.

She'd spent much time throughout her life wondering why she existed, and how long she would. So far, all she knew was that her existence was tied to the people and the good of her country, not to her values or her own personal aspirations. She knew that death would take her eventually, and so she must treasure what she has before it is all taken away from her. And she knew that she was lonely, and fell in love with love.

Ivan was lonely, too.

Some siblings they were. They were all so similar, yet so different. At the beginning, they had been glued together, but eventually grew apart as different groups controlled them, and as they matured as people and countries with separate identities. They even had different last names. But the point was that Irunya was the oldest, and had gone off by herself first, leaving her and Ivan to stick together for a little longer. She grew used to his presence, and never wanted to be alone again. She never wanted to feel how Irunya must feel without her siblings.

Eventually, as the years passed, she realized that she was in love with him because he made her feel happy and not lonely. But now, she questioned whether that was love. He seemed afraid of her, which was totally opposite of what people in love should act like. She knew that she should've realized this sooner to save herself the heartbreak of the truth, but she had been younger, more naïve, and more attached to Ivan than now.

Now; now she was in the middle of a quiet mess and in love with him, but at least she wasn't like every other girl, trying to make it okay and still love him. She knew that to get over her love of him, it would take years, and hearts would be broken, and that no matter what, in the end, she would get over this feeling and be stronger than ever. No matter what the means, and no matter how extreme.

She loved him for not always being scared of her, for listening to her despite the times he ignored her when she was proposing marriage, and for being beautiful despite the ugliness of the world. He made her feel complete, took away her loneliness and her cynical thoughts even if just for a little while. Love was love, even if they were related.

She would move on from him, and if she never found what she felt for Ivan again, it wouldn't matter, because at least the taste of yesterday's memories would be on her tongue, and last like a mint that could withstand the heat of her thoughts and the cold of her heart. She wouldn't ever need love again, not as long as she gets over Ivan. She was willing to put herself through hell to get rid of these feelings, no matter how much she cherished them, but she would get rid of them, and if she was truly the person she wanted to be, she wouldn't ever feel love like she did for him again. It seemed perfect in her mind.

"Natasha?" Ivan's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Yes, brother?" she asked, turning to face him quickly.

"Why do you love me?" he asked with a sigh, his eyes staring straight ahead toward the wall.

She wondered how to answer. She had just thought of why, but yet it was so hard to voice her reasons aloud. Love was irrational like that, taking away the ability to speak easily.

"Because you make me feel less lonely," she said, looking at him with unblinking eyes, and she mentally slapped herself when she felt a blush on her cheeks.

He didn't answer for a few seconds, looking nervous as to how he should (most likely) reject her.

"But I will destroy these feelings for you. Not for you, though, for me." Natalia paused, wondering if he would get mad for a brief second before she continued. "I am in love with you, yet I feel like it's not love in the way others describe it. I wanted to do sexual activities with you, not because it would feel good, but simply because you would be with me. I know you don't love me, which is why I question it, because I once thought that love was love if it was requited. But it doesn't matter now, because I will get rid of these feelings and I will never need love again once I finish."

"I know you will succeed, you always end what you start, and always do what you say you will do," Ivan said, briefly smiling at her before looking towards the wall again. This time, Natalia followed his eyes and found Alfred F. Jones, smiling and shaking hands with East Germans celebrating as they crossed the border. The sun had just broken through the gray clouds, and the American's eyes shone brighter than anything Natalia had ever seen. She couldn't bring herself to be angry or even the slightest bit jealous, though. No matter how hard Natalia could try, she would never be as bright as Alfred, or have anywhere near his level of kindness (and honestly, quite overwhelming stupidity, though she knew that he was one of the most intelligent nations despite that fact that he hid it) and warm beauty. She was too much like Ivan, too lonely and too cold, and already too in love with Ivan for him to ever love her back. The American would be good for him, and though he didn't know it, he would be Ivan's, that Natalia knew.

She smirked, and Ivan looked at her questioningly before he suddenly understood.

"Like those stallions he has running in the west of his country, you will have to break him for him to ever love you," Natalia remarked, and she pressed down on the fluttering wings of the butterflies in her heart as Ivan smiled (cruel undertones visible but not unpleasant or unattractive). She did still love him at this moment, enough to help him find another.

"In time. But now we must attend to our crumbling empire," Ivan said, pursing his lips with soft bitterness but not hiding his previous amusement. Natalia nodded, and they walked forward toward the wall together, intent on standing near the border but not crossing it. They were still bound to duty and to pride. Natalia's curiosity could wait until business was finished.

Her face melted back into the cold, careless expression she usually wore as they neared the line between liberty and restriction, between West and East Germans, and Alfred, who had not noticed them approach him from his spot by Ludwig and a few other nations. But when the American did see them, he was focused entirely on Ivan, eyes shining in wonderment and suspicion. Natalia watched him and knew he'd be broken for love just like her, only he was much more defiant in the face of her brother than she could ever have been.

They may both be broken in (in the future in his case, and in the now for her), but not broken in spirit. Not yet, at least. But while they still had the time, Natalia would admit that she had a commonality with him, amongst the many she had with Ivan, although one was soon to fade as the restraints of communism and the Berlin Wall fell away from them.

This freedom to explore possibilities was tantalizing to her old soul. She would go west as soon as possible and revel in the different realities until she found one suitable for herself and for her people.

She would start with Alfred's.


End file.
